Sunday, September 19, 2010

Parental Discovery Vol. 1

I hate jigsaw puzzles.  People that put together jigsaw puzzles and then talk about how lovely the picture is aggravate me.  If you want a lovely picture just go buy one or take a picture yourself.  Once you have that picture then hang it on the wall, but don't expect me ooh and aah over this 38,000 piece monstrosity that took you the better part of the decade to put together.  I asked a few people why they enjoy putting together puzzles, and ultimately it comes down to the feeling of accomplishment.  I see parenting much the same way.  Sometimes you want the piece to fit the way you think they should but eventually the pieces fit perfectly, often in spite of ourselves.  When people put puzzles together they start with the outside pieces so there will be some order to where the puzzle is going.  This is where I want to start.  What are we teaching our children and what are their foundations?  Let's talk from a practical sense more than a spiritual sense for a moment. 

Respect has to be the first lesson that we teach our children, but as I see it that this is the lesson that we are  most likely ignore.  Teaching respect takes work.  Respect teaches our children that there is a hierarchy in our society, and how they are to operate within the society.  The greatest disservice that parents do is decide that "I am going to raise my child to be my best friend."  Parents that say this should get 5-10 years in a maximum security facility for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  Let's examine this statement.  Parents that actual believe that they are trying to have a best friend relationship with someone 18-40 years their junior may need to reevaluate the other relationships that are in their life (but that is a different blog post).  How can a parent get the kind of things they would get from a best friend when that best friend is a 13 year old that is primarily concerned with themselves?  They can't.  Children need to be taught respect.  I can't tell you how many parents that have problems with their kids say, "I just don't know what happened!"  What happened is you treated your children as your equal, and they were tired of being your equal and decided to try to become superior to you.  It is human nature.  Everyone tries to get ahead, but in a parental relationship if respect is taught and demanded at the beginning then this can be avoided.  You are in charge of your children while they are under your care, but treating them as a best friend is giving the inmates the keys to the asylum.

Respect doesn't mean that we strip them of their personality because respect is mutual.  I have seen parents that raise their kids alike, but the children act completely opposite of each other.  What happened?  Nothing happened it is just that some children have different personalities.  It is not your job as a parent to give them  your personality, but it is your job to teach them respect in a manner that works within the confines of who they are.  Cookie cutter parenting doesn't work.  There are plenty of times that I have to adjust my temperament in order to effectively communicate to my son what he needs to know.  This is part of respecting him so he will be able to learn in the best way possible, and so he has all the advantages that understanding will give him.

So why do I start with respect?  Respect is the one thing that will get them farther in life that anything else (remember I not speaking on a spiritual level, but more of a practical/tangible level).  I meet a lot of people that are unhappy.  They are unhappy because they feel they are owed something.  These are people that know nothing of respect.  People who have had to work very hard (by the way hard work is often a byproduct of respect, specifically self respect) to achieve what they have achieved in life have done so because they have an attitude of respect.  People who have not been taught the lessons of respect are left to believe that they are the single most important person on the planet.  Is that what we want kids to believe?  Every time that I see children dictate to their parents what they think should be done, or given to them and then the parents do it, it makes me want to beat the tar out of them both ( in the spirit of course wink,wink,nudge,nudge).

Parental discovery will be a running topic on this blog from time to time.  As I feel impressed to discuss what I am learning, or even my bad parenting decisions, hopefully we can learn something together.  As for the topic of respect, I will close with this...If you want your children to not advance, and to not succeed, do not teach them please, thank you, sir, or ma'am.  Instead, assuming that you can get them to listen to you long enough, teach them the phrase "Can you pull to the next window to pay for your order?"

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